There are days when I literally count the minutes. Until what? Naptime, mealtime, bedtime, anytime other than this time. Some days are s-l-o-w. Some days I’m pulling the car over five minutes from home because I can’t take the screaming anymore and because I, yes I’ll admit it, I need to turn around and scream right back at him.
“STOP IT!” I wail. “Just stop it!” in a pathetic, ugly voice I’ve never used with anyone else. Not in ‘its-not-fair’ arguments as a teen. Not in unrequited-love-angst moments as a young adult. Not in just-moved-in-together-eye opener moments as a newlywed.
Some days it’s a wave of emotions that, if depicted on paper, would look like a seismograph. Such tear-inducing, joyful, bottle this up and make it stay this way forever moments. Such piteous, I can’t deal anymore flashes of panic. Sometimes it’s these swings alone I can’t take. They’re so sudden and sometimes so frequent that their head-spinning fury is nausea-inducing.
Today was a good–no, a great day. Yesterday was too. Today was hugs and high fives and raucous, throat-baring laughter. Who knows what tomorrow will be, what parts of me this love will unearth?
Tags: introspection, motherhood
