Archive for the ‘Shesjustsayin.com’ Category

Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

Thanksgiving will be a lot different this year. For one, a high chair will be pulled up to the table. A cheesy ‘Baby’s First Thanksgiving’ bib will probably be gifted to one Mr. Drew, and said baby’s stubby, sticky fingers will inevitably throw mashed potatoes and stuffing across the room in which we will be sitting which is–of course–carpeted.

Some things about Thanksgiving will not change. Mike and I will, as we have done every year for at least the last five years, prepare goddman stuffed mushrooms. We made them one year, back when we were still a new couple, eager to show everyone that we like to do cute couple things together, like wipe the dirt off of mushrooms, carve out their tiny stems and cram the resulting holes full of butter, bread crumbs and onions. The result was a big hit, and every year I play a game with Mike’s mother or his aunt (depending on who’s hosting), in which I ask what we should bring along and one or the other of them responds by hemming and hawing and wondering before finally suggesting ‘hey, why don’t you bring those stuffed mushrooms.’ So each year we make the goddamn stuffed mushrooms and each year we curse the fact that we ever made that time-consuming appetizer in the first place as opposed to, I dunno, sour cream and onion dip.

Other things that will not change: there will be hot crab dip and Ritz crackers; Mike and his brother will playfully punch and pretend box each other in what I guess is a way for them to express their love; the older generation will complain about the rising cost of food; my father-in-law will share fishing stories; and we’ll all make the same tired joke about how we’re stuffed before the main course has even been brought out. Then, each of us will somehow find room to eat a full plate and then make even more room for dessert. After it’s all said and done we’ll raise our hands if we want after-dinner coffee, and we’ll lazily clink our spoons in our mugs as the excitement wears down and the food comas set in.

Slowly, over the years, the Thanksgiving seats will change. We’ll add some with joy and celebration. We’ll take some away with sadness and grief. At some point in time the reins will be passed down to our generation. I’ll be the one frantically dialing the Butterball Turkey Talk-line in the early hours of Thanksgiving Day. With the power in my hands, I’ll get to decide whether or not anyone must bring goddamn stuffed mushrooms. Something tells me we’ll still have ‘em. The day is a bent and yellow-paged book we’ve all read; we could recite our favorite passages with barely a glance down at the page. The men will, as always, get too comfy on the couch watching football and us women will bump into each other in the kitchen as we wash this, dry that, put that away. The table will look different, but by and large it will be the same. And isn’t that something to be thankful for.

Bittersweet God-Knows-What

Friday, November 19th, 2010

Lately, while nursing, Drew stops, looks up at me with a tiny grin and waves. Or claps. Or waves and claps. In those moments, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry or feel slightly embarrassed because, really? When your kid can wave and clap at you, maybe it’s time to stop nursing.

I think that dichotomy sums up exactly where we are right now. On the cusp of One, Drew is a little bit of this, a little bit of that. He’s still a baby, but the boy is starting to emerge. In one moment he’s curled into me, nuzzled into the valley where my shoulder meets my neck, warm breath breathing in, out. “My baby,” I murmur. In another moment he’s grabbing at the cable box, and I’m looming behind him saying “NO!” practicing my sternest Mom voice. His response is to turn to me, raise his eyebrows and grin, an adorably frightening preview of the mischievous boy to come.

The rubber bands are still around his wrists, but not as tightly so. Last night in the bath, watching him lift his ducky in and out of the water I realized he had a shoulder. A real, discernable shoulder. Crawling had left its mark, carving out definition between shoulder, bicep and elbow on an arm that had previously been mistaken for that of the Michelin Man. Is it crazy to say that this realization hurt? As if he had somehow been growing behind my back, without my permission. It was a small reminder that his days are no longer passed by laying in one spot, staring contentedly around a room. These days, he invades any room you place him in, confidently and curiously crawling wherever his inquiring mind wants to go.

He doesn’t have words yet; he is still young for that. But it hit me that he can now understand many of the words I say to him. “Drew, can you wave?” I ask and one arm jerks back and forth in a clumsy greeting. “How about clap?” I coax. Fat little hands bang into each other, sometimes missing the mark, but each day the motion becomes more refined. He practices his newfound skills at all hours and odd times: clapping first thing in the morning when I place him, still sleepy, on his changing table; in his crib, before he crashes face-down onto his mattress, exhausted from all the new things he’s learning, seeing, experiencing; waving from his stroller as we walk around town. He waves at strangers, airplanes, gardeners. Sometimes I think he’s waving to nobody, and then I see a garbage can, a dog or a bus. In his mind, all are worthy recipients of his greeting.

He can’t tell me what a cow says. But when I ask him he pauses, his eyes dance and his mouth breaks into an expectant, gaping smile. He knows what comes next and he can’t wait to laugh at the sound. “Moooo” and “tweet tweet” and “quack quack” are words I never thought I’d take such delight in saying. One day, maybe sooner than I’d like, he’ll say them to me. And my eyes will dance and my mouth will curve into a smile and tears will prick my eyes, full of pride, sadness, awe and bittersweet God-knows-what.

gimme the camera mommy

Halloween

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

I gotta admit: Halloween was fun this year. I haven’t cared much for Halloween since about, oh, maybe ten years ago when I donned a mermaid costume (SEXY mermaid, natch) and drank a few too many Malibu Bay Breezes at a ridiculous party my roommates and I threw at our college apartment. This year, of course, Halloween took on a different, more innocent tone.

First, I bought decorations. It started out very unassuming, just a tablecloth here, a couple hand towels there. And yes, a few token pumpkins in the front hallway. Then I went to Target. From here, Halloween exploded. I bought window clings. Window clings! And that fake cobwebby stuff that makes we want to gag at the mere sight of it. A fake plastic skeleton, a tombstone, another skeleton made to look like it was crawling out of the ground…all these items ended up in the red cart and eventually in our home.

Rituals ensued. Drew began fondly tapping the skeleton each time we’d enter the front door. I began saying ‘Is that the spooky skeleton?!’ each day, day after day after day. If only he could talk, by day four Drew probably would have said, ‘Yes, Mom, it’s the damn spooky skeleton! I get it! Now let me rattle the bones in peace.’

We bought pumpkins and a pumpkin carving kit. Mike chose the most complicated pattern and carved his two weeks early. I waited until the afternoon of Halloween day and carved an easy pattern. We are nothing if not true to ourselves.

A gorilla suit arrived in the mail. Drew wore it on Thursday, and seemed rather pleased about it. He wore it again on Saturday, begrudgingly. Sunday, when we stuffed him back in it for the third time, he let us know in no uncertain terms that he was DONE with being a gorilla. Alright, kid. It’s ok. We got our pictures.

skeleton at the door

creepy

pumpkin

ready to party

New Worldview

Tuesday, October 26th, 2010

I’m 5-foot-5 but these days I find myself looking at the world from 2-feet off the ground. And all the looking is done with a very suspicious eye. I scan my surroundings for anything that could be dangerous or life threatening. What temptations lurk that could turn today’s wonderful day into a Very Bad Day?

Drew’s crawling, and ok parents, I get it. Life will never be the same! So put your smug, know-it-all head shaking away because I get it. We are now living in a state of constant vigilance. And I know that those of you who know, know that it’s exhausting. But if you don’t know? Here, let me give you a smug, know-it-all look and tell you. It. Is. Exhausting.

Do you like sitting on the couch? Do you like idly flipping through whatever catalog came in the mail while your baby plays happily on the floor? Well, too bad! In the time it took you to gaze admiringly at Pottery Barn’s overpriced Madison headboard, your little angel has cast all of his toys aside and headed straight for the nearest electrical outlet. Cords! Plugs! They’re like the bright white light at heaven’s door. Come! They beckon. Step into the land of electrocution and strangulation!

Think your hardwood floors are gorgeous? Who cares?! They’re just bruise traps. Cast aside your vanity, your pride and just go buy some plush, thick-pile ugly carpet. Better yet, get the foam mats used to line padded cells. At least you won’t spend every waking second wondering if your little weeble-wobble is going to come crashing down with a bone crushing thud.

Just the other day Drew was experimenting with our desk chair, playing a thrilling game of push/pull. Well, we all know how this story ends…He pulled too hard and next thing I knew he went flying backwards with only the back of his skull to pad his landing on the unforgiving wood floor. I let out one of my now signature stage gasps and quickly scooped him up. Did he have a concussion, I worried? Should I call an NFL doctor?

Yesterday, in our bedroom, he made a beeline for the floor mirror that’s propped against the wall. Child safety hazard alert! Drew’s always been fond of this mirror, but now he realized he could get up close and personal with the baby that looks exactly like him. There went the little hands, hastily slapping the floor. There went the little butt, scooting straight ahead. And there went the little legs, trailing behind. He got to the mirror in record time and promptly started banging his hands on it, laughing heartily. Little fingerprints began accumulating on the glass, and while I wanted to let the moment happen because yes, it was adorable, all I could do was picture the mirror—which was wholly unsecured to anything—tipping forward or sideways or wherever-ways and promptly crashing down into a million little James Frey pieces.

“No, no, we don’t touch the mirror” I said in my new (annoying) first person plural voice. “Come on, let’s go over here and play with your toys instead.” Yeah, right. If only the toys were made of barbed wire, nails and fire. Because toys? Toys are dead to him.

Rule Monger

Monday, October 11th, 2010

I entered Drew in the Gap Casting Call over the weekend. I know the chances of him winning are slim, and I promised my mom I wouldn’t get upset if he didn’t end up a finalist, but… You know, I really like this contest. I am at The Gap a lot. More than I really should be, in all likelihood. So would I love it if every time I pulled up I saw Drew’s face beaming at me from the store window, smiling his award-winning smile, clad in some adorable outfit? Of course! And the $1,000 gift card awarded as an additional prize could go a long way.

I gotta say I’m a little amused by the whole entry process. It has served to remind me that most people either are horrible about following rules or simply don’t give a shit. After I had decided that I would enter Drew, the first thing I did was check the entry requirements. Seemed like a logical step to me. Here’s the process, direct from the website:

Upload a recent photo of your child in their favorite pair of jeans for a chance to be one of our winners.

Ok, I can do that. He’s got a few pairs of jeans. And if I read between the lines, I think it’s safe to assume he should be wearing Gap jeans, not, like, jeans from The Children’s Place, evil competitor!

I also noticed an area of the site called ‘Photo Tips.’ I thought that was nice of Gap, to offer some tips that may help increase our chances. Here are a few of their tips:

Layer on the denim: Show us how your child wears the latest denim looks.
Show us their adorable face: Make sure your child’s face is clearly visible in the photo.
Give us personality: Truly memorable photos let your child’s personality shine through. Avoid stiff smiles and forced poses.
Watch the background: Shoot the photo against a simple background so your child really stands out.
Try different angles: Try angling the camera or shooting from different perspectives. Make sure to photograph kids at their eye level rather than standing over them.
Use natural lighting: Sunlight is much more flattering than indoor lighting. Try not to shoot with the sun behind the camera.

Great tips! And easy to follow, too, I thought.

SO. Imagine my surprise when I’m paging through Drew’s competition, errr, all the other adorable baby boys who were entered, and see photos that have blatantly disregarded Photo Tip #1: Layer On The Denim. There are kids in swimsuits, costumes, football jerseys, pajamas, sometimes only a diaper?! I mean, it seems pretty obvious to me. It’s a contest run by Gap! Pander to the judges! Put the damn denim on!

Now, shall we talk about the unspoken rules? Unspoken Rule #1: Don’t Put Your Child in The Competition’s Clothes! This contest is run by The Gap. Why would the picture you submit feature your little angel in a Children’s Place shirt, or a tee emblazoned with the Polo logo? Unspoken Rule #2: No Food Pictures, Please For The Love of God. Look, I know it’s cute when your own kid makes a mess of his food tray. But, realize that nobody else does. Your best picture is probably not one that includes baby’s high chair covered in some unidentifiable brown sludge that’s most likely been mashed, smashed, chewed and then regurgitated.

I suppose I should be happy that so many entries just totally miss the mark. Gives Drew a better shot at winning right? Although, all these snarky comments from me have probably messed with our karma. Let she who cast the first stone… Ah well, here’s our submitted pic. Won’t you vote for Drew?

DSC_0156

Eat It, Food

Tuesday, September 28th, 2010

“Parenting, really, all boils down to food.”

“You know, I realized the other day that for the next EIGHTEEN YEARS, I’m responsible for making sure this kid gets three meals a day.”

“Food is the hardest part.”

Among many moms I know, food is what keeps us up at night. It starts with the first six months of your child’s life. The kid needs milk. Breast or bottle? Oh, here we go. And then once that’s settled, how much? Is he getting enough? Is it making him gassy? Should I switch formulas? Should I alter my diet? Am I overfeeding? Underfeeding?

Then we move on to solids. Four day wait rule! Watch out for allergies! You try to give your kid a lot of variety, in the (perhaps fruitless) hopes that he won’t become a picky eater. Then there’s the question of organic. Does it really make a difference? Is it worth the extra cost? Once solids are introduced, how do you balance the amount of milk served with the amount of solid food served? In the first year, all the experts will remind you, milk or formula is the Most Important Nutrient. And yet. Each day, your child should be taking in a certain amount of fruits, vegetables, whole grains and protein.

Lately, I feel like all I do is feed Drew. When he’s not nursing I’m scouring the kitchen trying to figure out what solid foods I can give him. My pediatrician told me we can move into finger foods land. Oh God, I feel like I just got the hang of purees! So now I have to figure out what foods Drew is allowed to eat at this age that he might also be able to pick up in his chubby little hands and put in his mouth. And you know what else I discovered? Finger foods take six times as long to eat! I can cram a cup of yogurt down his gullet in five minutes flat. But when faced with a plate of cut up cheese cubes, kiwi fruit, and Cheerios, we’re holed up in the dining room for nearly half an hour, the precious window of free time between naps, diaper changes and feedings closing in on us so that we barely make it out of the house before the whole cycle starts again.

Yesterday afternoon I felt relief at the realization of an easy dinner idea – meatballs! We have a package of frozen ones in our freezer. All I’d have to do is pull a couple out, heat ‘em up and voila! Dinner! I carefully read the package directions: Microwave for 4 – 5 minutes, stir, then heat an additional 1 minute. Piece o’ cake, I thought. Definitely easier than some of the peeling, steaming and pureeing I’d been doing. I popped two little suckers in the microwave and went to play with Drew.

Four minutes later I heard the familiar beep of the microwave. “Let’s go check on your meatballs!” I chirped to Drew. I sauntered into the kitchen like a smug, I-know-how-to-feed-my-child mom only to discover a smoking microwave, with two charred, blackened, shriveled meatballs inside. I grabbed a hot pad, whisked the smoking Pyrex jar out and the whole thing exploded in my hand. Glass shattered everywhere, meatball juice spattered all over the floor and cabinets. The kitchen quickly filled with smoke, and in a nearby room, Drew was whining.

Hey, food? F.U.

more!

Dreams Become Reality, Sort Of

Wednesday, September 15th, 2010

Back in our brooding days of youth, my friend Kate and I used to lay around in our sweats, eating knock-off Tostitos, drinking Beringer White Zin and dream aloud about what our future lives would look like. We’d try to picture our husbands, foretell how many kids we’d have and what they’d look like. As we delved deeper and deeper into these imagined futures, we’d talk with growing excitement about how great it would be to get our families together each summer and vacation at the beach. ‘Can you just picture it,’ we’d say, ‘our little kids running around on the beach?’ In these imagined scenarios, the two of us would be lazily reclining on beach chairs while our kids calmly and quietly played in the sand, our handsome husbands by our sides. (How adorably naïve we were, to think we’d be able to sit on the beach and gossip over books and magazines, while our kids magically minded themselves.)

It was all a little surreal when that long ago dream came somewhat true over this past Labor Day weekend. Nearly a decade out from the Era of Nachos and Bad Wine, Kate and I found ourselves taking up residence at a beautiful house on the Jersey Shore, along with our respective husbands and sons. In some ways, our vision had come true, and of course in many ways it was far different than our younger selves would have ever believed.

When we first dreamed up our futures, we didn’t even know our now-husbands existed. We pictured adorable children, but we couldn’t have imagined just how adorable they would turn out to be, or how our hearts would have the capacity to love them as fiercely as we do. With no real-world experience to go on, we didn’t realize that our sons, at such tender ages, would be far more interested in muddy sand than in playing with each other. That we wouldn’t have the time to sit on beach chairs, catching up for hours. How were we to know that instead we’d be running around the sand with our kids, stopping for brief intervals to marvel or complain over what each was doing, giving each other a silent look that could only mean, ‘You know there’s nothing I’d love more right now than to sit and talk with you, except, that is, to sit at the edge of the tide, getting sand in my ass because my baby loves the sand and it’s his first experience with it and I don’t want to miss it for the world, sandy crotch or no!’

No, back in the daydream era we didn’t realize that we might not get to sit on the beach at the same time because our kids would be on different nap schedules and you Do Not Mess With The Nap. We wouldn’t have believed that we’d go to bed at 10PM (on vacation!) because we were just So. Damn. Shot. from the day.

I still like to think that one day our dream will come true. Our kids will be old enough to play by themselves. Our beach chairs will actually get some use. We’ll park our asses in them and talk and talk. Occasionally we’ll get up to yell at someone to come closer, or to stop flinging sand. And maybe, for old time’s sake, we’ll toast with a glass of White Zin.

hot mamas

bffs and our boys

Never Say Never

Monday, August 30th, 2010

There are many things I felt certain I’d never become. We all have those, don’t we? You know, where you tell your cousin, “If I EVER show up to Christmas dinner in a cat-festooned holiday sweater, please excommunicate me from the family.” We all have our standards and our ideas of who we are, who we will be, and what we swear we’ll never become. Lately, I’ve been dismayed to discover that I have, in fact, taken on many of the personas I so fiercely declared I never would. Let’s list them, shall we? I never thought I’d be the kind of person who:

Goes to Starbucks twice in one day.

Says, “Did you make a poopy?”

Has a couple containers of Wet Ones on hand

Adds an annoying baby-voiced ‘ies’ to every. single. word. See: lunchies, jammies, munchies, toesies, sleepies

Shops more than two grocery stores in one week.

Says, “I need my wine.” On second thought, who am I kidding? I think I always knew I’d end up the kind of person who says that.

Buys organic and feels smugly confident that I’m doing ‘what’s best for my family’.

Gets excited when the weekly circulars come out, and refers to them as ‘circulars’ with a straight face.

What about you? What kind of person have you been embarrassed/disappointed/humbled to discover you’ve become?

29 and Feeling Strangely Fine

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

Birthdays have never been big occasions for me.  Growing up there wasn’t much (or any, really) family around. And with a summer birthday? Well that meant that very often few friends were around either. There may have been a pool party one year, but never any big blowouts.  There were no ponies, no clowns, no bouncy castles.  There wasn’t a sweet sixteen, no big celebration for turning legal at eighteen. This is not to say you should all band together and throw a big party for me because, waaaah, poor deprived me; no, this is only to establish my relationship with birthdays—few expectations, very little fanfare.

But this year?  This year felt different.  This year I turned 29. I know, 29 is no milestone. It’s an odd number. It’s not pretty like 20, comfortable and easy like 25. It’s not established like 30. But 29?  It’s kind of like that blaring yellow sign on the freeway, “Last Exit Before…”, a strong and direct warning that you better know where you’re going because if not, you’re going to end up in a place you don’t want to be.

Mike has told me for, well, five years now, that turning 29 is much harder than turning 30. At 30, I guess, you’ve come to terms with your fate.  You’ve gotta accept that you can no longer enter a college bar and assume that you blend in with the students.  Likely, you don’t. I suppose that’s the purpose that 29 serves: a whole year to come to terms with facts such as these.

This year, instead of the usual “I guess we could go out to dinner?” I suggested a BBQ to celebrate my birthday. I’ve met many new friends over the past few months thanks to my wee sidekick and I thought it’d be fun to get these new pals together with friends I’ve known for years in one place to mix and mingle.

The turnout for the soiree was so fitting for 29. There were friends I’ve known since college–friends who were present for (and partners in) some of my most debaucherous moments. At one point we all shook our heads at the realization that we’d known each other for over a decade. There were friends I’ve met only a few months ago, but who already feel like sisters because they are my seatmates on this exhilarating ride called parenthood. They don’t know about the time I fell down drunk in the middle of the street after stumbling out of a frat party (although now, I guess they do). But they know how many hours I slept last night, and my thoughts and fears about the best time to have a second child. There were babies, adorable babies!  On one hand it felt so natural; on the other, so weird.  When did we become the kind of people who throw parties involving children?

So when they brought out the cake–a strawberry flavor I’ve had every year since I was a toddler–and everybody gathered in the dining room (I have a dining room!) to sing happy birthday before my friend’s 2.5-year-old son leaned in to blow out the candles, in one room I saw my past, my present and my future, swirling and mixing into one solid picture: my life at 29.

happy birthday!

Fixodent, And Forget It

Thursday, August 12th, 2010

Traveling with Drew is a bit like traveling with a rock star, or a puppy, or walking around with a cat on your head (something I used to see fairly regularly on my commute home from work…ahhh, Manhattan). People stop you, want to get a closer look. At the baby! Not me. Sigh.

All kinds of people stop me, but mostly women, and many of them older. I enjoy the attention and it’s sweet to see the joy spread across an older lady’s face when she sees Drew, someone decades and decades younger than her. Sometimes these women will talk about their children or their grandchildren, and even when they don’t I can sometimes see wistful memories flicker behind their eyes, his chubby cheeks reminding them of the people they themselves shaped and then released to the world.

Today Drew and I were wandering around Lord and Taylor, whiling away a rainy afternoon. Sales clerks from the shoe, handbag and makeup departments all made passing comments as we strolled aimlessly around the store. I hesitate to say that I was growing tired of the comments, but after so many consecutive exclamations of “look at those eyes!” my mom-pride tends to fatigue and I lose a little bit of enthusiasm.

It was around this time that I was approached by an elderly woman who stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Drew. As much as I wished I could continue my beeline to the Marc Jacobs bags, she was just so damn excited to see a baby that I had to humor her. “What a beautiful baby!” she exclaimed. And on and on she went, making silly faces at Drew, babbling in a high pitched voice to elicit a smile from him. She may have made some comments to me about how blessed I was, but I’ll be honest, I was tuning her out and just doing the nod and smile. And then.

And then!  Mid-sentence, her fucking dentures fall out.  !  One moment she’s babbling away, and the next the right side of her mouth comes flying down with the left side not far behind. It was as though someone hit the slo-mo button and all I could see was the slow descent of a rack of upper teeth.  And I gotta give it to this lady. She caught ‘em! Don’t let the age fool you, the ole bag had lightning quick reflexes.

So she’s catching the dentures and I’m just standing there, kinda frozen, trying to maintain a face that belies neither bemusement nor horror. I flashed back to childhood summers spent at my Grandma’s house, her ending each night by shuffling towards the stairs and proclaiming in her proper British accent that she had to take her teeth out. In the end, at Lord and Taylor, it was the elderly lady who saved the awkward moment, prattling on about some dental work she’s getting and the troubles she’s been having. Clearly. “I hope I didn’t scare him!” she chortled, leaning in towards Drew. “No, no!” I assured her in an all too high-pitched voice. We parted ways, and before I could even get my phone out to Tweet about this encounter of awesome, she left me with even more material.

“Oh!” she cried. “I thought that was my husband over there. It was a mannequin.” Next stop, eye doctor?