introspection «

Posts Tagged ‘introspection’

Faded Glory

Wednesday, November 9th, 2011

This morning, as I was picking out an outfit for Drew to wear, I paused before his Penn State t-shirt. Any other day, I would have put it on him with pride, hoping someone might stop us at some point in the day to ask about our connection to Penn State, to tell us their cousin or brother or niece went there. We could talk about what a great, magical place it is. I’d reminisce about how much I missed it, half-joke about how if I could, I’d go back tomorrow. Today, I left the shirt in the drawer, fearing awkward glances from strangers at the grocery store or park. The sad irony of a little boy in Penn State gear this week, amidst all the mania, was too much to think about.

“And you want your son to go to Penn State?” Mike asked me the other night as we talked about the news that had just broke.

“Of course I do,” I said (that is, if he wants to, one day). “Scandals and terrible things can happen anywhere. You never know where it’ll come from.”

And that’s the scary thing, isn’t it? No one and no place is immune from terrible things. You can put your trust in a person or place you believe is most trust-worthy, and you’re still taking a leap of faith. We do what we can to minimize the chances of horrible things happening and we fill the spaces in between with the faith that good people, who far outnumber the bad, will rise to the occasion when needed.

In the Penn State story, it seems many good people had the chance to rise to the occasion. The reasons why they didn’t are surely varied and complex and ultimately not important. We all share in our outrage on behalf of the young men whose innocence was stolen from them by one man. And maybe, selfishly, what’s really rattling us is that our own faith was stolen from us by so many men.

Tags: introspection, soapbox, The Issues
Posted in Shesjustsayin.com | No Comments »

Up / Down

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011

There are days when I literally count the minutes. Until what? Naptime, mealtime, bedtime, anytime other than this time. Some days are s-l-o-w. Some days I’m pulling the car over five minutes from home because I can’t take the screaming anymore and because I, yes I’ll admit it, I need to turn around and scream right back at him.

“STOP IT!” I wail. “Just stop it!” in a pathetic, ugly voice I’ve never used with anyone else. Not in ‘its-not-fair’ arguments as a teen. Not in unrequited-love-angst moments as a young adult. Not in just-moved-in-together-eye opener moments as a newlywed.

Some days it’s a wave of emotions that, if depicted on paper, would look like a seismograph. Such tear-inducing, joyful, bottle this up and make it stay this way forever moments. Such piteous, I can’t deal anymore flashes of panic. Sometimes it’s these swings alone I can’t take. They’re so sudden and sometimes so frequent that their head-spinning fury is nausea-inducing.

Today was a good–no, a great day. Yesterday was too. Today was hugs and high fives and raucous, throat-baring laughter. Who knows what tomorrow will be, what parts of me this love will unearth?

Tags: introspection, motherhood
Posted in Shesjustsayin.com | No Comments »

Thirty

Wednesday, August 17th, 2011

Each year I celebrate a birthday and each year I smile happily (and, oh alright, smugly) that I’m still young. Not only have I always been young, but I’ve usually been the youngest of the group I associate with – youngest in my class growing up, youngest in whatever relationship I’ve been in, youngest in my social circle. So even as the years have gone on, I’ve still managed to remain feeling young by the company I keep. Mike is six years older than me, so thankfully I can still pretend to feel young when he’s an ancient 72 and I’m a sprightly 66.

This year it was time to come to grips with my age. While I have not yet reached the point where I qualify for certain medical checkups, and certainly have not become AARP eligible, I am now 30. I am someone my college self and friends used to point out at bars. “Look at that dude over there!” we’d snicker. “He’s like, 30!” And we’d laugh and throw back another mind eraser, all dewy and youthful and naïve. What would I say now to that girl? Well, I’d say a lot of things.

I’d start by telling her thirty comes faster than she thinks. Thirty arrives at the tail end of a decade that whirls you around in a blender as you find a first job, a first real place to live, (one that you furnish yourself, and not with hand-me-down armchairs from the 1970’s), find out what you really care about, who you really are, and how you really want to spend your time. Thirty is the place you land after you’ve tried on all sorts of versions of yourself and finally settle into the one that feels most true. Thirty is where you set aside your pretenses, less concerned with appearing a certain way for the benefit of others, and more concerned with doing what feels right to you. Thirty has your ego firmly in check. Hopefully by thirty you’re confident, but not overly so. You’ve left behind most of your insecurities, but kept small traces of a few, if for nothing else than to keep you human and humble.

Next I’d tell her that while so many other ages certainly were gateways to future adventures, thirty is most definitely one too. At thirty, you do still have your whole life ahead of you. Now you’re ready to take it on with confidence and grace and a good head on your shoulders.

Last, I’d tell her to look forward to thirty. Don’t fear it. Come at it head on, tired and spent from all the good fun and wild adventures that defined the 20’s. Land at thirty full of vivid memories and compelling stories. Use this to fuel the next decade, and the one after that and the one after that. There is so much to learn, see and do in this world. There are so many people to meet, impact and be impacted by. Thirty is just one pit stop on a long road of a full life. Drink it in and chase it down with even more curiosity and passion. After all, you’re only thirty once.

Tags: introspection, milestones
Posted in Shesjustsayin.com | 1 Comment »

On Writing

Monday, April 18th, 2011

It’s funny how some days your mind is filled with all sorts of things you want to write down and tell the world about. Proud moments, funny moments, problems you’d like a little outside perspective on to help you deal. Often those days are so busy that you don’t get the chance to write those pressing thoughts down. Other days, you try and try to find something you feel is worth talking about and the act of trying so damn hard makes all your thoughts seem trivial, pointless and boring.

Lately, I’m having a lot of the ‘nothing to talk about’ days. Of course I know this isn’t true. There is a little person I’m in charge of shaping 24 hours a day. And he seems to grow in knowledge, skills and personality on an hourly basis. But I’m humble enough to realize that his developments aren’t entirely unique. I’ve read enough stories about parenting to know that my experiences, while so new and fresh to me, are so common to millions of others who have, or are still, walking down this path. I know what a good writer would say: it’s not the story, it’s the telling. I just need to find a unique perspective. After all, aren’t there only seven stories in the universe anyway? I seem to remember that random trivia from some English class or another.

How can I tell my stories in a way that shows a different perspective but still allows you, the reader, to see our common ground? To nod your head up and down, knowingly, and say, “I totally get it!” while also shaking that head, side to side, and saying, “How does she do it?” How does she put words together like that, in that way? That way that leaves you turning them over and over again hours after you’ve clicked away.

That’s what I want to do.

Tags: introspection
Posted in Shesjustsayin.com | 1 Comment »

Never Say Never

Monday, August 30th, 2010

There are many things I felt certain I’d never become. We all have those, don’t we? You know, where you tell your cousin, “If I EVER show up to Christmas dinner in a cat-festooned holiday sweater, please excommunicate me from the family.” We all have our standards and our ideas of who we are, who we will be, and what we swear we’ll never become. Lately, I’ve been dismayed to discover that I have, in fact, taken on many of the personas I so fiercely declared I never would. Let’s list them, shall we? I never thought I’d be the kind of person who:

Goes to Starbucks twice in one day.

Says, “Did you make a poopy?”

Has a couple containers of Wet Ones on hand

Adds an annoying baby-voiced ‘ies’ to every. single. word. See: lunchies, jammies, munchies, toesies, sleepies

Shops more than two grocery stores in one week.

Says, “I need my wine.” On second thought, who am I kidding? I think I always knew I’d end up the kind of person who says that.

Buys organic and feels smugly confident that I’m doing ‘what’s best for my family’.

Gets excited when the weekly circulars come out, and refers to them as ‘circulars’ with a straight face.

What about you? What kind of person have you been embarrassed/disappointed/humbled to discover you’ve become?

Tags: introspection
Posted in Shesjustsayin.com | 2 Comments »

29 and Feeling Strangely Fine

Wednesday, August 18th, 2010

Birthdays have never been big occasions for me. Growing up there wasn’t much (or any, really) family around. And with a summer birthday? Well that meant that very often few friends were around either. There may have been a pool party one year, but never any big blowouts. There were no ponies, no clowns, no bouncy castles. There wasn’t a sweet sixteen, no big celebration for turning legal at eighteen. This is not to say you should all band together and throw a big party for me because, waaaah, poor deprived me; no, this is only to establish my relationship with birthdays—few expectations, very little fanfare.

But this year? This year felt different. This year I turned 29. I know, 29 is no milestone. It’s an odd number. It’s not pretty like 20, comfortable and easy like 25. It’s not established like 30. But 29? It’s kind of like that blaring yellow sign on the freeway, “Last Exit Before…”, a strong and direct warning that you better know where you’re going because if not, you’re going to end up in a place you don’t want to be.

Mike has told me for, well, five years now, that turning 29 is much harder than turning 30. At 30, I guess, you’ve come to terms with your fate. You’ve gotta accept that you can no longer enter a college bar and assume that you blend in with the students. Likely, you don’t. I suppose that’s the purpose that 29 serves: a whole year to come to terms with facts such as these.

This year, instead of the usual “I guess we could go out to dinner?” I suggested a BBQ to celebrate my birthday. I’ve met many new friends over the past few months thanks to my wee sidekick and I thought it’d be fun to get these new pals together with friends I’ve known for years in one place to mix and mingle.

The turnout for the soiree was so fitting for 29. There were friends I’ve known since college–friends who were present for (and partners in) some of my most debaucherous moments. At one point we all shook our heads at the realization that we’d known each other for over a decade. There were friends I’ve met only a few months ago, but who already feel like sisters because they are my seatmates on this exhilarating ride called parenthood. They don’t know about the time I fell down drunk in the middle of the street after stumbling out of a frat party (although now, I guess they do). But they know how many hours I slept last night, and my thoughts and fears about the best time to have a second child. There were babies, adorable babies! On one hand it felt so natural; on the other, so weird. When did we become the kind of people who throw parties involving children?

So when they brought out the cake–a strawberry flavor I’ve had every year since I was a toddler–and everybody gathered in the dining room (I have a dining room!) to sing happy birthday before my friend’s 2.5-year-old son leaned in to blow out the candles, in one room I saw my past, my present and my future, swirling and mixing into one solid picture: my life at 29.

Tags: family, introspection, suburbia, summer
Posted in Shesjustsayin.com | No Comments »

Shapeshifter

Monday, August 2nd, 2010

Gradually, we transitioned. We moved away from living in hours, enduring painful feedings, shushing and rocking, bouncing and swaying.

Now we live in days. Feedings are no longer painful; they’re an adventure. Each day there is a new food to discover, a new taste. Sleeping is no longer preceded by shushing and rocking. At night, the sleeping is twelve hours straight. Gradually, we rediscovered days that had a beginning and an end.

There is laughter now. More laughter than crying. There is even more love, love that compounds and compounds.

We are getting some of ‘us’ back. At the same time, a new person is emerging and the form he is taking is altering ours in the process. We are shaping him, of course, but he is shaping us as well.

And there is sadness, bittersweet. We are speeding through the first year, and out the window all is a blur. As quick as we learn to deal with one phase, one challenge, it is replaced with another and there is no time to think about what we left behind. We are looking ahead and looking behind, awed and dizzy.

Tags: Drew, family, introspection
Posted in Shesjustsayin.com | No Comments »

New Endeavors

Thursday, July 8th, 2010

Today I’m registering for an adult/child CPR course offered through our local Red Cross. Next week I’ll pick up a few textbooks and begin studying towards a certification as a group fitness instructor. A few months from now, I’ll be teaching my own Baby Boot Camp classes to a group of new moms who are looking to get back in shape.

I didn’t consciously set out on this path. I have been a Baby Boot Camp student since Drew was two months old. Since then, I’ve rediscovered that sweaty, sore muscled-feeling that I always loved about exercise, a feeling that fell by the wayside when I was pregnant. I’ve enjoyed meeting other moms, forming a network of acquaintances—and now friends–who I can share stories with, ask advice, and feel camaraderie with in this most challenging of jobs. Somewhere over the course of these past few months, though, I began to feel that not only could I handle the physical demands of the classes, but also wondered if I had the capacity to lead them as well. One night, over drinks, I asked the instructor how I could become a trainer myself, and the next thing I knew I was gathering information, looking up certification requirements, and mulling over testing dates.

It all feels so right to me. Since resigning from my corporate job, I haven’t felt any pangs of remorse. I don’t miss the grind, the excruciatingly long hours of what was often thankless work. I don’t miss passive aggressive email exchanges, office politics or the countless daylight hours I never saw because I was stuck in a fluorescent-lit, windowless office. The only thing I’ve really missed is the interaction with other people.

This new opportunity is all about interacting with people, and not only that but also helping them. I can help these moms achieve goals and feel better about themselves. I can help them to feel empowered, inspired and connected at a time in their lives when it’s easy to feel weak, discouraged and alone.

And if I’m being honest, this opportunity, of course, is about me. I can prove to myself that I can still be ambitious and achieve goals while also being a mom. I am a mom, yes, but I am also still a person separate and outside of that. Maybe this is a little bit of insurance. There will be a day in the not too distant future when Drew won’t need me so much. When he won’t whine for my return every time I disappear into the kitchen. There will be a day when he gets on a big yellow school bus and rides off towards his own day, separate from me. Maybe that day it’ll be a little easier for me to watch him go because I’ll have my own day to get to.

Tags: fitness, introspection, motherhood
Posted in Shesjustsayin.com | No Comments »

Goals

Wednesday, April 7th, 2010

The Internet is a great place to go if you’re looking for some motivation. Sundry’s constantly pushing her limits and documenting her goals and then going out and grabbing those goals by the balls and showing them who’s boss. She Like’s Purple’s got a list right on her site, and she’s systematically crossing things off as she goes. That’s accountability right there. It’s inspiring, it really is. It’s also humbling.

I read about the things people are doing after setting their minds to something and I wonder, what do I want to do? For years I had an endless string of goals I set for myself, and I’m proud to say I achieved just about every one of them. Move to New York City: crammed myself into a tiny Manhattan apartment nearly seven years ago and haven’t left the metro area since. Get a job in media: landed an entry-level gig at an ad agency a few months after graduating college. Run the New York City marathon: got the medal to prove it. Work at a magazine: rose up a few ranks at one of the world’s foremost business magazines.

My most recent goal, although that doesn’t seem like quite the right word for it, was to become a mom. If you’ve read any of this blog, you know I achieved that one. And of course, my tandem goal to go along with that was to be a GREAT mom. I don’t know that I can judge my progress on that one—I’ll probably always give myself a little less credit than I deserve. After three months though, I feel confident saying I think I’m doing a pretty good job. Check back in eighteen years when my ‘masterpiece’ is complete.

So now, what’s next? Here’s where I’m drawing a blank. I don’t have any Big Dreams right now, and I think what bothers me most about this is not so much that I don’t have anything I really want to accomplish at the moment but more that I feel badly that I don’t. Have I become complacent? Boring? (don’t answer that one!)

Maybe it’s just a phase. Maybe we should be given a break on life goals during the first year of our firstborn’s life so that we can instead focus on pressing matters like making sure the baby is still breathing each night and fretting over whether or not he’s reaching each developmental milestone and worrying that he’s too high or too low in those vaunted percentiles. Maybe as a child learns he is independent from you, you too begin to remember that you are independent from him. That you can have dreams all of your own again–dreams that aren’t wrapped up in him. Dreams that he can one day understand, acknowledge, and—eventually—congratulate you for achieving.

Tags: introspection
Posted in Shesjustsayin.com | No Comments »

2009, A Look Back

Thursday, December 31st, 2009

Copied from Sundry…

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Got pregnant, bought a house, rode a zipline in Costa Rica, wore a giant adult-sized animal hide diaper (it was mandatory!) while riding down a quarter mile long water slide, took a surfing lesson, biked solo over the Golden Gate Bridge

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t think I made any resolutions; it has always felt like a trite practice to me. But in the spirit of documentation, my resolution for 2010 will be to begin my journey of being a great mom.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my best friend Kate, one of those people you feel so wonderfully lucky to know and be close to.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Sadly, yes. Kate’s mom Marti. If ever there was a true saint on earth, it was her.

5. What countries did you visit?

Costa Rica (where the ziplining, water sliding and surfing took place)

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you didn’t have in 2009?

A baby boy! He is due (quite literally) any day now.

7. What dates from 2009 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

April 27, the day I found out I was pregnant, July 14, the day Kate’s son was born, July 28, the day Kate’s mom passed away, and December 15, the day Mike and I closed on our house.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

Getting pregnant. It turns out the clichéd phrase ‘miracle of life’ really is true. There is simply no way to fathom the idea that you can create another life, particularly when you’ve created that life with someone you love more than life itself.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I am by no means faultless, but thankfully I don’t think I suffered any major failures this year.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Does morning sickness count?

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our house! And these boots are a close second.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My husband’s. Impending fatherhood seems to really suit him. He’s been supportive when needed, calm when I know it killed him to do so, and take charge when I didn’t have the energy.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Thankfully, no one that I can recall.

14. Where did most of your money go?

To the down payment on our house. But I’d say that’s money well spent.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Having a baby! And owning a boat. Summer weekends were amazingly peaceful and relaxing thanks to that old salty dog.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

Lady Gaga’s entire discography. Isn’t she just on every radio station’s permanent repeat?

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a) Happier and more hopeful.

b) Much fatter (but I blame the baby)

c) Much, much poorer.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Cooked real dinners and kept up with this blog.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worked late

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With Mike’s family, for the most part. But most of Christmas Day was just the two of us, and that was pretty sweet.

21. Did you fall in love with 2009?

Just more in love.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

I developed an unhealthy addiction to House Hunters, Property Virgins, and all other HGTV shows. But my favorite real show was (and is) Modern Family.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, and now this feels like a MySpace quiz.

24. What was the best book you read?

This is tough because as much as I love books, as soon as I finish one, even one I really love, I tend to promptly forget it. Right now I’m really enjoying The Piano Teacher.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Along with the rest of the world, I discovered Kings of Leon

26. What did you want and get?

A house (probably the sixth time now I’ve referenced this damn house)

27. What did you want and not get?

A baby…well, at least not yet. I wanted him to come in 2009, but now it’s looking like it’ll be 2010. And the sale of our apartment. Would have made life a leeeetle less stressful!

28. What was your favorite film of 2009?

I saw all of about four movies this year, so I’m no Roger Ebert, but I truly enjoyed The Hangover. I know, I’m so low culture.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I think I went out to dinner? I honestly can’t recall much about the day.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A wider selection of maternity clothes. Are you listening, fashion designers??

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2009?

GapMaternity

32. What kept you sane?

Having a baby inside me – instant perspective

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Healthcare, and the sad realization that we’ll never get it right, and should probably stop pretending that there’s an outside chance we will.

34. Who did you miss?

My old athlete self. I hope to see her again in 2010.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

The editors at my workplace. So many brilliant minds!

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Less a learning, and more a reinforcement, but: you never know how much time you have, and the only things that really matter are the people you surround yourself with.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

“I feel it all, I feel it all” — Feist